I went to a marvellous party...
Monday March 29, 2004 - Permanent link to this post -
Sorry for not posting for a while. The house was burgled while we slept upstairs a week or so ago and it's been difficult to find the time or inspiration to post to this site. I certainly won't be wasting any effort writing about the scumbag who did it, so a more lighthearted (if a little bitchy) post is the order of the day.
Here follows the bitchiest text I have ever written
This weekend I returned once again to my place of origin, Bradford, to celebrate my Aunty Sylvia's n0th birthday. Sandal Farm Restaurant was the venue; a carvery with a large function room in Thornton. Being only a smallish party we shared the function room with a number of other parties, funniest of which was a wedding.
It may sound insensitive (and when I think about it it definitely is) but Mark and Jayne's nuptual celebrations were a constant source of amusement to our table, from the ill-fitting wedding dress (back-cleavage anybody?) to the superstar mobile DJ. I decided that for posterity's sake, I'd preserve some of the funnier moments in this journal. Thanks to Paul Clare and JCfor assisting in the recollection of these classic comedy moments.
The Bride
When we arrived at the Restaurant we caught our first glimpse (or eyeful) of the blushing (or billowing) bride. Her plans of buying a dress to slim into had obviously gone awry as her back overhung the strapless bodice. Climbing rope would have been a more appropriate fastener than the red lace which strained under the pressure. I realise this sounds cruel, but you should have been there.
After about half an hour, the bride changed into her “going away” outfit in which she would hear the speeches, cut the cake and have her first dance as a married woman: Black tracksuit bottoms, white sports socks and a dark blue tee shirt bearing line drawings of hair brushes, mirrors and nail files. No shoes. I've never seen anything like it.
The Groom
This guy just clearly didn't want to be there. He spent the whole evening avoiding cameras, friends and his new wife. Classic.
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The Best Man
Classic quotes from the Best Man's Speech:
“I've known mark for a very long time. From being kids, we went to school together, all through college, into adulthood, and now he's getting married, again.”
“Here's to Mark and Jayne. I know we all had our doubts about her at first, but everything seems to have turned out alright.”
What, no mention fo the Bride and how lovely she looks?
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The DJ
Pronouncing all his “th”s as “d”s, the superstar DJ delivered th following gems over the PA:
After the First Dance:
“Led's pud our hands togedder for Mark an Jayne afder deir firsd dance as a married couple. That was Lionel Richie. I chose dat one myself, I hope it was OK.”
At the Cutting of the Cake:
“He looks like he's held a knife before.”
Maybe that's what happened to his first wife...
Despite the passive humour gleened from surrounding parties, the night was all about Sylvia who had as good a time as anybody. Happy Birthday, Sylvia. And many more.
